Staying in one place for too long tends to establish a routine, forming habits that persist repeatedly. Each day, much like the last, is never too different from the one before. Perhaps there is something great in that, but I believe it is only to a certain extent.
Routine can help us mindlessly wonder about our future or what to make for dinner while driving or brushing our teeth. It allows us to handle multiple things at once like we are jugglers at a circus. But I wonder if routine can also be the death of us. The reason the clock seems to tick faster, and our ability to generate new ideas diminishes, as we pass by the same billboards each day and wake up to the same coloured walls. When everything around us repeats, so do our thoughts.
Although routine is comfortable, I’ve also grown to find discomfort in it. I believe that one day it can be a beautiful thing, but not right now. So, I chase inconsistencies to understand more about the world and the people around me, attempting to become comfortable with inconsistency. Yet, I still wonder if that’s even possible.
Over the past year, I’ve awakened in more than fifty different hostels, hotels, or friends’ homes. I’ve lived out of a suitcase for five months, and in the last month alone, I’ve relocated twice. As I write this, my clothes spill out of suitcase walls, while the sheets I’ll sleep on tonight are stacked on the pull-out bed. Most of what surrounds me belongs to others. I’ve gained insight into living with young children, where each morning’s plan takes unexpected turns.
Uncertainty defines my daily routine. I never know the start time for work until a few hours beforehand, and my time management has suffered, leaving me feeling like my car is empty with no gas station in sight. It’s been challenging, but I know that I chose this life; this is what I wanted. Despite that, I sometimes feel like the struggling act in the circus.
Strangely, when stress surfaces, my mind tends to pretend problems don’t exist. I find myself opting to spend time on my phone rather than checking things off my to-do list because feelings of overwhelm consume me.
I once had a wise boyfriend who understood the nomadic lifestyle quite well. He emphasized the importance of getting comfortable with inconsistency. At the time, I grappled with 4 am meetings and school projects while exploring Japan. Initially, I thought I comprehended his message, but each new situation presented its challenges, making me realize how challenging this advice was to live through.
Over time, I’ve come to fully grasp what he meant. Just when you think you’ve mastered your surroundings, everything changes. With each challenge we overcome, we become better at navigating hurdles. This is why, after sixty years, people tend to appear as though they have life figured out. Perhaps they haven’t mastered dealing with the world; instead, they’ve accumulated years of practice.
With only about two decades on this planet, I’m just starting to understand how to handle uncertainties. At some point, we must accept what life throws at us, and every free minute becomes a lot more precious.
There are weeks when I start to get it. I can wake up and tackle tasks, understanding my peak and off-peak productivity hours and recognizing the distractions I turn to when anxieties surface. As time slips through my fingers and I become more familiar with my surroundings, I begin to feel a sense of control.
Change is seldom easy, but in the pursuit of overcoming inconsistency, I’ve come to realize that it takes time. Change is inherently temporary, yet paradoxically, it remains the only constant. Everyone copes differently with their situations, but I’ve learned the significance of being patient with oneself during these times. Acknowledging that adjustments require time and that we probably won’t wake up as different people overnight.
Setbacks may manifest in various forms; we might be hardworking and productive one week and find it challenging to avert our eyes from social media the next. Yet, it doesn’t mean progress hasn’t been made. Often, progress isn’t evident in the most obvious ways.
Ironically, I believe dealing with inconsistency involves coming to peace with the mess that may surround you initially. It’s knowing that you might lose grip on everything you know for a while and trusting that you’ll find your way back. Being patient during our adjustment period is crucial. The more guilt we harbor for not having everything under control, the less likely we are to gain that control.
I began this reflection a couple of weeks ago, and as I conclude it, I feel like I’ve finally gained a bit more control. What was once abnormal has become familiar, and the country that held little meaning now feels like home. Dealing with inconsistency may never be easy, but much like a river, our lives, in one way or another, will constantly move. There’s no point in trying to go against the flow or stopping it; sometimes, all we really have to do is lie back and trust that things will be okay.
